Now here are the problems with the canoe. Remember all the spiders in the first Indiana Jones movie. You don’t? Where’ve you been? Well, I found out where old movie spiders retire. Under canoes that linguine-spined-wannabe kayakers agree to use. Next problem, I drive the testosterone fueled Chevy Silverado1500 work truck with the full eight foot bed. Since it had been maybe ten years or more since I last borrowed the canoe I had forgotten that Detroit does not manufacture a vehicle that has anything less than 18-wheels to transport a 12-foot canoe. So I figured with enough rope, tie-downs and bubblegum I can surely get this canoe from Penbrook to the river. My goodness if nature can get the rain that falls and the snow that melts from my house to the river then by golly I certainly can get a canoe there. Why I even have a Chevy Silverado, like a Rock! After 40-minutes of escalating stress and 137,000 ties and reties, the four of us squeeze into the cab and are ready to go get Zeke and throw his kayaks into the now much smaller bed of the Silverado.
Mission accomplished and on to the river. We decide to ‘put in’ along Front Street between the Burg and Dauphin. We do this with very little fanfare. This is Seth’s first time on the river so he gets the quick 5-minute instruction on using a kayak, drowning while truly making it look like an accident and the signing of the proper last will and testament. I am shoehorned into my kayak know full well that I either must lose weight or die there in order to ever get out again. Ann and Micah get into the demon canoe, which I later found out was and is used to transport the damned across the river Styx. Off we go.
Seth takes to the kayak and the river like a fish to water, sorry. Zeke and I motor along like we know what we are doing and Ann and Micah meander aimlessly back and forth across the channels of the Susquehanna. The river has worked its magical spell and the edge has been taken off my afternoon. I begin to feel sorry for Ann and Micah. They look like they are working themselves to death just trying to go straight. Ann complained about her behind being sore and asked me several times why I didn’t bring a cushion for her. Stupid canoe! After about ninety minutes of guilt and leg cramps, I offered to switch and ride the canoe for a while. Micah thought this was great. Seth was so overjoyed that he was not mentioned in the switch that he dumped his kayak. I never thought a kid could role a kayak and not get his face or hair wet. Seth did. Micah said, “Mom and Dad could be in the canoe together. It would be like a date.” This soon to be sixteen year old gets this from his parents who brag about when they go to the grocery store together, attend a doctor’s appointment together or go to church together that they are going on a date since no kids are around.
Since Seth was already out of his canoe, Zeke thought it would be great for the boys to do a little river swimming. While they were swimming, I got out of my kayak with the same grace that a bull elephant with sore knees would have exiting a sunken bath tub. I learned this style late last year when I had to get out of the hot tube in the honeymoon suite at a Hampton Inn in Johnstown while the jets were on full force. That’ll be a blog story for another time. I then got into the canoe while Ann got into my kayak. This water stuff is really getting easy. The only problem is that as I sit in the rear of the canoe only about half of its in water. I look as if I’m going full power doing a canoe wheelie down the river while standing still. Nobody said anything. They didn’t have to. I could read their faces from within the bowels of the demon canoe.
As any loving, caring wife would do, Ann graciously returned to the front end of the canoe to be with me for the rest of the trip. Boy did she screw up! We had about a mile of river to navigate to get to the take out spot. She and I managed to travel just shot of thirteen mile to get there. I passed a dozen homes along the shore, all of the same build, all of the same color until I realized that we were paddling but going in circles. I mentioned in passing conversation that I thought that the manner in which she was paddling was causing us to go round and round. I mentioned that I now understood why she and Micah were having trouble coming down the river. I got the same reaction that a husband would get if he mentioned that his wife’s favorite dress must have shrunk in the dryer because last summer it seemed to be much looser around the waist. “Micah and I might have been having trouble but at least we weren’t going IN CIRCLES!” Thirty-four years of marriage, seven children, job struggles, car wrecks, driving lessons all that and now this marriage is actually going down the river. Zeke paddles three-quarters of a mile upstream to see if we were OK. He thought maybe we found something interesting in the river since we kept circling. Go soak your head Zeke.
God answers prayers. Somehow we got our canoe headed downriver and with little effort we made it to the take out spot. Praise the Lord. Now all we have to do is load up go home and call the marriage counselor. When I get home I graciously accept the fourth position in the shower line by volunteering to go get some extras for supper. Ann said that I could use her gift card, which she gave to me.
I go to the store, get my groceries and checkout. Only as I go to pay with the gift card it registers as being empty. That means it has a zero balance. Above the robotic voice saying, “Please select a payment method now”, I can hear a far off familiar laugh coming from within my shower. Justice served!
Dan, I never knew you were such an entertaining writer. I pictured the whole day so vividly as I read. This was very funny! Glad you made it out of the river~
ReplyDeleteThanks Ann Marie. I love to write and tell stories. I am glad you enjoyed it. I just reread it with fond memories and tears in my eyes. Please feel free to read any of my other blogs. Some are funny some are serious and others are just how I feel about a subject.
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