Due to the many, many times that I have been able to ascertain material items well below the customarily going price and due to my penchant for sharing such escapades with my cohorts in a less that innocent way, I have become to be known as ‘Delpstein’ or ‘Delpberg’ in certain circles in which I run. This past Saturday evening I added yet another chapter to this ever growing, ever expanding legacy.
Since it was Saturday night, Rebecca was out and about with friends, many of which were having their last weekend at home before dispersing throughout the east to the out posts of higher education. Micah and Seth were both invited to spend the next to last weekend of summer at a local community swimming hole for a late summer pool party.
Five minus three equals two. Those two were Ann and yours truly. My first thought was, “The kids are out of the house for the evening let’s spend the evening … on the town.” Shame on you for what you were thinking! We dropped our charges off and hit the road. Only trouble is where do two people go by themselves when they aren’t accustomed to being alone? And I do mean alone. Since the end of November 1975 I have only been able to go to the bathroom once by myself. There was a fire drill at work during the 1990’s and instead of lining up across the street to await the building recall, I stole away into the men’s room to take advantage of ten minutes of uninterrupted silence. I usually share this most private of spaces with one or more members of my family. I have occasionally even shared it with the blushing red-faced acquaintance s of my children. We did decide to get something to eat but could not decide where to eat it. Suddenly we both realized that our vehicle was heading south on route 283. Could it think we were going to YFC. It couldn’t. We had no one with us. We were alone. Turns out the destination was preordained by a Power greater than you or me. We were headed to Chilly’s! Romantically we ordered the “Two for $20” deal from the menu (one appetizer, two entrees, one dessert). The last time we ate out alone together we got two full course meals and two movie tickets in Gimble’s restaurant for $8.00.
Being the suave debonair man about town that I am, I suggested that we not end the evening here but continue on with new found freedom. Ann suggested a shopping trip to the French retailer, J C Pe-nay’s to see if the ‘Mother of the Groom’s Dress’ that has been eluding her since January was maybe hiding there. I dutifully agreed in the same breath that I admitted that I had eaten too much. Ann agreed and said that the next time we find ourselves in this position we will split the entrée.
We enter the hunting grounds at Penny’s and immediately cut to the chase. We move from the entrance to the discount rack in the women’s department as quickly as two overfed, stuffed lovers can move. “No, no, definitely NO, too low-cut, too long, too short, not the right color.” These were the words I heard coming from my wife. With each and every utterance I know I was one step closer to going somewhere else.
And then in the matter of time that it takes the nictitating membrane of a bird’s eye to close and open, I felt the joy of victory and the agony of my feet. “This is the one!”, Ann said with, I hope, the same enthusiasm that she had as when she first laid eyes on me. That was the joy. The agony came when we turned the price tag over and discovered that it wasn’t reduced but was full price, $80.00! I think that for $80 bucks one should get two pair of interchangeable pants, one jacket, a nice top (sleeveless of course), shoes and a handbag. I was told that is a guy thing. Well, I’m still a guy. Being the loving caring dotting husband that I am, I stepped into the aisle to look for one of those self-scanner thingys. I hoped I wasn’t playing into the hands of some wicked, warped individual who enjoys wrecking people’s dates by leaving full price clothing on discount racks on Saturday nights. I hoped beyond hope that some employee missed marking this dress, the dress of my dreams, the dress of my dream boat. Red squiggly lines dancing across a barcode proceeded the audible beep that cause the screen to silently say, “SALE PRICE $19.99”. Halleluiah! Halleluiah! Halleluiah! Halleluiah! Hal-laaaa-luuuu-iah! Handel lives! All is well! I never did drugs but the rush from them cannot be any better than this. I calmly look up to see my own beautiful bride of 34 years come down the aisle. The “groom’s mother”. Wonderingly she asks, “Well?” I deadpan “$19.99.”
Expecting the type of greeting that a weary soldier would receive from his love upon returning from war. I brace myself for the run and leap into my arms. What I got was, “If that doesn’t fit, it’s your fault. You didn’t have to take me out to eat. I probably just gained 10 pounds.” Crash and burn. Hindenburg look-a- like. I am defeated. Next stop is the fitting room man-waiting alcove. Three stuffed chairs, end table, soft light from a lamp. My quit prayer time there was only disturbed by some talking head from CNN. I don’t listen as I calmly ask God to let the dress fit.
It does! Reprise! Halleluiah! Halleluiah! Halleluiah! Hal-laaaa-luuuu-iah! What a deal. We are livin’ large. All is well. How could life be better?
It can be. Today Ann is going through some papers in our bedroom. But what to her wandering eyes should appear, but a coupon that is worth $10 off any purchase at J C Penny’s. Bad news. The coupon has an expiration date of last Saturday. Good news. We bought something there then. Bad news. That was five days ago. Good news. Ann is filled with holy boldness, so, back to J C Penny’s she goes with the coupon. After three minutes and with more sweetness than Hershey creates in a year, Ann is holding about 3-yards of register tape that says her dress only cost us $9.99. Surprise, reprise! Halleluiah! Halleluiah! Halleluiah! Hal-laaaa-luuuu-iah!
After I look at all the evidence and became a believer that the “Groom’s Mother’s” dress only cost $9.99, Mr. Delpstein is told once again that he is not to take Mrs. Delpstein out to eat until after the wedding. But come September 6th, look out. Anyone know of any early autumn pool parties? - Dan
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