I have no doubt that I am where I am today because of the
Lord. I have no doubt that the driving force behind that is prayer. Not just my
own prayers but the fervent, righteous prayers of a silent, behind the scenes army
of prayer warriors, that goes undetected and unrecognized until the fruits of
their faithfulness is seen when God is glorified by a “miraculous healing”. I
know God is in all this, because He walks with each day, He has told me so
through scripture, through the lyrics of songs and through the words of
encouragement by those around me. I wait to hear His voice.
God has changed my heart through the blessings of cancer. I
know I just want to be where He wants me. He has really been preparing me for
whatever is next through the books I have been reading. Quiet, alone times and
His scripture are two great ways that I have found discernment from God.
From the very beginning I knew God was in control of what
Ann and I would be going through. I knew he had already walked the path we were
on. Somehow He instilled within me a supernatural calmness and confidence. I read
in Philippians 1:21-22, “For to me, to live, is Christ and to die is gain. If I
am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me.” I want
to do what He wants. I do not fear death.
The caner I have is not a punishment from God. I don’t have
it because of something I did. It’s not because God didn’t protect me. God
still loves me! Cancer is just where He wants me to be. It’s that platform from
which I’ve been asked to glorify Him with my words and through my actions.
The conundrum is that even though cancer is a curse because
of what it does to me physically, it has provided a forum from which God has
poured out His blessings on my life. On Ann’s life. We have been able to rise
each morning. We have made it through each day. We have been able to rest each night.
We have been led to the right doctors. We have been served by the right nurses.
We are taking the right medicine. Friends have visited at the right time while
other friends have blessed us with the right words when they were needed. God’s
blessings are all around us. More than one blessing has been received through a
silent snow fall, a skittish bird, a fluttering butterfly or an aromatic summer
flower. Just following the position of the setting sun each evening on its trip
from the Tropic of Cancer to the Tropic of Capricorn is a blessing and reminder
of just how awesome God is. Focusing on pain, worry, and heartache would cause
me to miss all these blessings.
The greatest blessing God has given me has been my family.
Without Ann I would not be here to write this. What does it take to bury your
own fears and uncertainty to give 100% of yourself to another? I never thought
I’d need someone to help get me into bed and tuck me in but I did. And Ann was
there to meet those needs. I never thought I’d need someone to practically
dress me each morning but I did. And Ann was there to meet that need. I never
thought I’d need someone to get me out of the shower and dry me but I did. And
Ann was there to meet that need. I never thought I’d need someone to chauffer
me around for months but I did. And Ann was there to meet that need. I never
thought I’d need someone to sit with me for hours while being infused or
getting blood transfusions but I did. And Ann was there to meet that need.
Simply said, without An I wouldn’t be here today.
It’s a blessing to have your adult children sit with you at
chemo. It’s a blessing to have friends spend time with you during infusions and
transfusions. It’s a blessing to have friends pray for you. It’s a blessing to
have strangers pray for you. It’s a
blessing to receive a simple card of well wishes in the mail or a message or
text on your cell phone. It’s a blessing, the strength I received from family. It’s
a blessing to have bothers visit and help. I start each day with thanksgiving
and end each day with thanksgiving for the blessings God has given me.
I do not look for disappointments. I look for the positives.
I need to be positive to maximize my situation. I need those around me to be
positive. I need to keep those around me positive. Instead of worrying about the
thing I could no longer do, I focused on the things I could do. Instead of
worrying about the things cancer took from me, I focus on what cancer has given
me. Cancer has increased my joy, it has developed friendships, it has created
new friendships. It has developed a stronger prayer life and caring for others.
My greatest fear now is that I may miss something God has in
store for me. I don’t want to miss one assignment or one blessing. I do want to
miss His voice or His whisper. I wait for Him each day. I wait.
