Dan You Have Cancer: A Glimpse of Heaven

Being told that you have maybe several weeks to live is akin to that cold bucket of water thrown in your face. Being told that it really could be several month doesn't make the water less cold or much more tolerable. The assurance by a medical professional that if treatment commences immediately that you could live another year was about as comforting as it got in January of 2019. Not too bright a future for a guy who still had plenty to live for. 

Turning the affair over to Jesus was the best action Ann and I could take. Being found under the umbrella of the prayer of the church's faithful was an unexpected peace filled experience. Never under estimate the power of the prayers of the faithful brothers and sisters in Christ. Never under estimate the prayers you offer for others. They are very powerful.

One of the many blessing I received through having stage-four lung cancer has been my ability to sit quietly and listen to God. Just sit quietly and listen to His voice through His Word, from His physical creation, via the lyrics of contemporary Christian music, through the encouraging words of others and on and on. He does not limit himself to any one manner. For me, He is found any where and every where.

I have long loved Biblical prophesies and the study of the end times. Maybe my interest in this has been rekindled by the fact that not only do I have a ticket for the Train to Glory but I'm in the boarding line at the station. In any event, after finishing a book on this subject in which Heaven was discussed I was thinking about life beyond time.

Our garden has been producing a bountiful harvest for us this summer. For the past several weeks I spend hours each day, usually with Ann, sitting at our picnic table on our carport cutting peaches, plums or tomatoes for processing. I have always said that if God has a garden in Heaven, I hope I'm able to work in it. While I cut and skin and pit and dice the various fruits I listen to the Rich Mullins channel on Pandora. This channel produces a constant stream of contemporary Christian music and praise.

I have come to realize that God has given me a glimpse of Heaven on my carport. I'm working doing something that I love while listening and participating in the praise offered to the Creator of the Universe. What a blessing! A blessing that I may have missed if I hadn't been blessed by cancer and had been drawn closer to the One whose name is greater than cancer, Jesus!

Dan You Have Cancer: Why Me?

Over the past several weeks my life has intersected with the lives of friends, past and present, as they have come face to face with the trials and tribulations that you always pray to miss in your life. A friend with Alzheimer’s got out on a winter’s night and wandered around in sub-freezing temperatures with nothing more than a lightweight jacket and a blanket of prayers. A young twenty-something man after spending time with a friend, inexplicably went home and took his  life. A friend of ours was in the hospital and diagnosed with cancer at the same time last year that I was. Due to circumstances and other health issues at the time did not live long enough to begin cancer treatment. Ten months later his widow passed after experiencing a fatal heart attack leaving an only child to pick up the pieces of her life. Several other friends and associates have listened as a man of medicine explained to them, “You have cancer.”

I am sure that everyone connected to any of these storms has at some point thought, wondered or asked, “Why?”

I have said before and as I think back now on that dreary, rainy, cold Friday afternoon when my cancer was confirmed, I simply refused to accept the worst, being determined to find the best in all situations. I decided to praise God, not only for my life but for all that came with it. If cancer was to be part of that then thank you God for cancer. If it takes cancer to bring me closer to you then every day with cancer, every chemo treatment, every ache and every pain is worth it. I know and better understand now that long before April of 1953 God knew that I would be and that cancer would be part of my journey.

I always had praying parents. I was always in the prayers of my parents. As a teen I was born again into God’s family. I always tried to stay within God’s will. Because of these facts, I believe that anything that happens to me is in God’s plan for me and I should praise God for it. I recently told Ann that I am glad I got cancer after our parents were called home. The anguish they would have felt for my disease would have been very difficult to deal with. Even knowing and understanding that God is in control, a parent never wants to see their child suffer or hurt in any aspect of their lives.

They all play a part but the victories I am experiencing are not coming because of modern medicine, doctors or nurses. My victories are coming as a direct result of prayers. Prayers from family. Prayers of friends. Prayers of strangers. I have been the beneficiary of them all. I have felt the effect of each and every one of them in my life. This is where victory is achieved. This is where battles are won, on the knees and in the prayers of the faithful.

When storms come to your life, what do you do? Rage against them in defiance? Yelling in your spirit, “Why me!” Withdraw from life in denial and depression hoping that the storm will abate and disappear? What I have come to know is that God doesn’t cause my hard times. He does allow the storms of suffering to increase and intensify to build a stronger relationship between us, to cause me to fall deeper in love with Him, to grow my faith in Him, to be more consistent in my walk with Him, to bear more fruit in my service to Him, to keep my focus on Him and to live for His glory alone. He is not punishing me for something I did or didn’t do.

God provides the graces I need to glorify Him in all I do. He uses me and my life condition to be a witness for Him. He uses me to allow others to see Him through me. God uses me and cancer to draw others closer to Him. Whether it is accomplished by changing their thoughts about God or by drawing them to Him via a deeper more meaningful, sacrificial prayer life, His purposes are accomplished.

Read the story of Mary, Martha and Lazarus. Before commencing, ask God to open your eyes, your heart and your spirit to His words. Their story shows me that the experience of this family from Bethany highlights the truth that God’s picture for my life is so much bigger than my own.

When I don’t understand, “Why”, I have learned to trust Him because God can lift me up to soar above the storms in my life.

So, "Why me?" So God can use me like He does the Moon. I never thought I'd want to be a moon.

Every day, I fight!

Dan You Have Cancer: Rush Limbaugh, 911: Lone Star, and many others

I was sitting in the parking lot at McDonald's on an overcast, yet warm Monday afternoon in early February, waiting for Ann who had gone in to get me a $.99 iced-coffee. Turning on the radio I heard, “I’ll play it as he announced it.” I never know what to expect in situations such as this. Then after a pregnant pause, Rush Limbaugh’s voice begins telling his story and sharing some details about his most recent cancer diagnosis.

Having gone through this and while still being in the middle of a lifelong fight of the same, I find that I have become very emotional over people in these circumstances. From people I share time with during therapy, to characters in movies, to Rob Lowe’s character in “911: Lone Star”, I find that my spirit is deeply affected by people fighting cancer. I feel a kindred spirit with Alex Trebek. The cancers may be different but the journey takes the same path. And now Rush Limbaugh has the same cancer as I do. Stage 4 lung cancer.  I am fourteen months into my journey. He is just beginning. As Ann and I listened to Rush’s announcement I commented that we certainly understand what is in store for him. Medically, physically and spiritually. He has embraced many of the things that I have found I could not live without.

I needed a fighting spirit. I needed to create a positive area around me to keep everyone else positive. I needed prayer warriors to lift me up praying for all my needs. I needed to develop a closer relationship with God in Heaver and His son Jesus.

Hearing what Rush said crushed my spirit. I was deeply saddened. Not because of who was speaking but because anyone had to say those words, make that announcement. Thinking of all of the day’s events while showering last night, God reminded me of something I already knew, understood but had pushed to the corner of my mind. The same way I ached in my spirit for Rush Limbaugh and knowing what his future holds, God feels for all of us. He knows how I feel. He knows how we feel. He knows how Rush feels. How? He sent His son, Jesus, from the splendor of Heaven to the filth of Earth to take on the form of a human. Through this He is able to know exactly what His creation goes through when faced with life circumstance such as cancer. I think that my belief that cancer has been more of a blessing than a curse is rooted in this. Thank you Jesus for loving me.

Bless Rush Limbaugh and all those fighting cancer this day. Let them feel your presence in all they do. Guide their medical teams to bring forth healing that’s needed.  Give them peace, Your peace, the peace that passes all understanding.  Amen.

Dan You Have Cancer: Cancer Thoughts at Thanksgiving

I have no doubt that I am where I am today because of the Lord. I have no doubt that the driving force behind that is prayer. Not just my own prayers but the fervent, righteous prayers of a silent, behind the scenes army of prayer warriors, that goes undetected and unrecognized until the fruits of their faithfulness is seen when God is glorified by a “miraculous healing”. I know God is in all this, because He walks with each day, He has told me so through scripture, through the lyrics of songs and through the words of encouragement by those around me. I wait to hear His voice.

God has changed my heart through the blessings of cancer. I know I just want to be where He wants me. He has really been preparing me for whatever is next through the books I have been reading. Quiet, alone times and His scripture are two great ways that I have found discernment from God.

From the very beginning I knew God was in control of what Ann and I would be going through. I knew he had already walked the path we were on. Somehow He instilled within me a supernatural calmness and confidence. I read in Philippians 1:21-22, “For to me, to live, is Christ and to die is gain. If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me.” I want to do what He wants. I do not fear death.

The caner I have is not a punishment from God. I don’t have it because of something I did. It’s not because God didn’t protect me. God still loves me! Cancer is just where He wants me to be. It’s that platform from which I’ve been asked to glorify Him with my words and through my actions.

The conundrum is that even though cancer is a curse because of what it does to me physically, it has provided a forum from which God has poured out His blessings on my life. On Ann’s life. We have been able to rise each morning. We have made it through each day. We have been able to rest each night. We have been led to the right doctors. We have been served by the right nurses. We are taking the right medicine. Friends have visited at the right time while other friends have blessed us with the right words when they were needed. God’s blessings are all around us. More than one blessing has been received through a silent snow fall, a skittish bird, a fluttering butterfly or an aromatic summer flower. Just following the position of the setting sun each evening on its trip from the Tropic of Cancer to the Tropic of Capricorn is a blessing and reminder of just how awesome God is. Focusing on pain, worry, and heartache would cause me to miss all these blessings.

The greatest blessing God has given me has been my family. Without Ann I would not be here to write this. What does it take to bury your own fears and uncertainty to give 100% of yourself to another? I never thought I’d need someone to help get me into bed and tuck me in but I did. And Ann was there to meet those needs. I never thought I’d need someone to practically dress me each morning but I did. And Ann was there to meet that need. I never thought I’d need someone to get me out of the shower and dry me but I did. And Ann was there to meet that need. I never thought I’d need someone to chauffer me around for months but I did. And Ann was there to meet that need. I never thought I’d need someone to sit with me for hours while being infused or getting blood transfusions but I did. And Ann was there to meet that need. Simply said, without An I wouldn’t be here today.

It’s a blessing to have your adult children sit with you at chemo. It’s a blessing to have friends spend time with you during infusions and transfusions. It’s a blessing to have friends pray for you. It’s a blessing to have strangers pray for you.  It’s a blessing to receive a simple card of well wishes in the mail or a message or text on your cell phone. It’s a blessing, the strength I received from family. It’s a blessing to have bothers visit and help. I start each day with thanksgiving and end each day with thanksgiving for the blessings God has given me.

I do not look for disappointments. I look for the positives. I need to be positive to maximize my situation. I need those around me to be positive. I need to keep those around me positive. Instead of worrying about the thing I could no longer do, I focused on the things I could do. Instead of worrying about the things cancer took from me, I focus on what cancer has given me. Cancer has increased my joy, it has developed friendships, it has created new friendships. It has developed a stronger prayer life and caring for others.

My greatest fear now is that I may miss something God has in store for me. I don’t want to miss one assignment or one blessing. I do want to miss His voice or His whisper. I wait for Him each day.  I wait.

Dan, You Have Cancer: A Wanderer, a King, Some Singers and Me

I have been having trouble writing this next blog. I have many things to write about but just cannot seem to find the energy to sit and write it down. Lack of material? Not a chance. Lack of inspiration? Possibility. I have experienced a period of down time, low energy and the blahs. I feel like my ship has sailed into the Sargasso Sea and the winds have died.

I have spoken with a lot of people recently. Friends, family, nurses and doctors all tell me how good I look, how well I am doing and that they are glad to see me. My response to their comments is always, “It’s good to be seen!” Last night I realized what needs to be blogged.  I became inspired, to share exactly why acquaintances see what they see.

When Moses was called to lead the Israelites out of captivity from Egypt what did he do? He took them and headed to the Promised Land. Ah, but there is this thing called the Red Sea standing in their way. Unlike Noah, Moses was not given directions to build a boat. When he lifted his rod the Sea parted and Moses and his band of brick makers crossed on dry land. Upon reaching the other side the Israelites were scared when they saw the Egyptian army in hot pursuit and wanted to go back to Egypt. What did Moses have them do? He had them stand still and watch as God saved them. So did the Israelites escape or were they delivered? When you escape it is due to your actions. When you are delivered it is because of the actions of someone else, in this case God’s mighty act delivered Moses and his band of rock stackers.

Awhile later the wandering Israelites were forced to fight the Amalekites who were big, strong, fierce fighters and gunning for Moses and his followers. Moses won but was not part of the battle. What? Well, when the battle started Moses took his friends Aaron and Hur to the top of a hill. Where? How could they fight a battle from such a distant position? They did not fight with swords and shields but rather with prayer. Moses lifted his arms in prayer, sans rod, and the Israelites started to win the battle. When he lowered his arms the advantage on the battlefield returned to the Amalekites. In order to maintain the advantage and eventual victory on the battlefield Moses had Aaron and Hur hold his arms up. The Israelites beat the Amalekites not because of the battle in the valley but because of the battle on the hill.

As children growing up I always knew that if I were in trouble, if the bully in the neighborhood was beating the snot out of me, I could call for my father to come rescue me. This is exactly what Moses had done. The battle with the Amalekites was too big so Moses called upon his Heavenly Father to save him. If you doubt this, just how many Jews are building pyramids today?

Now let me introduce you to King Jehoshaphat. Jehoshaphat defeated the Moabites, Ammonites and Meunites. These people were also large, strong, fierce fighters, mean as snakes. King Jehoshaphat had no battle plan, no strategy, and no way to defeat his enemies. He was scared knowing that they were coming to get him and his people. What did he do? The king asked God what to do.  He gathered his people and they went on a national fast. They told God that He was the king and whatever He wanted was OK with them. They really needed God’s help. They waited. The enemy was coming closer; Jehoshaphat stood and waited.

One of the king’s people, a guy named Jahaziel, told the king God said not to be afraid, worry or be discouraged that the battle was His not ours. Obviously these were men of prayer because when they heard God’s voice they recognized it.  So just how did the battle play out? How did King Jehoshaphat become victorious? They sang! They sang? Yes, they had the Levites lead them into battle singing. That's correct, the singing Levites led the warriors into battle singing. They sang and they sang. God set ambushes and when the king got to the battle the enemy was dead.  Bizarre! Who believes this stuff? Those with man-sized problems will laugh. Those with God size problems will pray.

What people see in me is that I have a God-sized problem. My story is a lot like these stories. When I was given a God-sized problem I prayed. I called out to my Father for help. I lifted my rod and God parted the waters of my mind so that I could find my footing on dry land. Then God closed those waters drowning any thoughts that I would have of defeat. Ann and my family held my arms up as the battle raged within me. Their support goes a long way in God’s plan to defeat the cancer within me. While I wait the army of prayer warriors in my life goes before me with their prayers, lifting their voices in praise, trust and great expectations of being answered, giving the battle to the Lord to defeat my enemy. What people see in me is what happens when I wait and God fights! 

What does God do for me when I am in a bind? He fights! He fights for me each and every day. He takes on my battle. My job in all this is to trust. My job is to wait.

Remain calm; the Lord will fight for you. (Exodus 14:14)

He is my defender; I will not be defeated. (Psalm 62:6)

Dan You Have Cancer - Hearing God's Voice

Now, that same day two of them were going to a village called Emmaus, about seven miles from Jerusalem.  They were talking with each other about everything that had happened. As they talked and discussed these things with each other, Jesus himself came up and walked along with them; but they were kept from recognizing him.

He asked them, “What are you discussing together as you walk along?”

They stood still, their faces downcast. One of them, named Cleopas, asked him, “Are you the only one visiting Jerusalem who does not know the things that have happened there in these days?”

“What things?” he asked.

“About Jesus of Nazareth,” they replied. “He was a prophet, powerful in word and deed before God and all the people. The chief priests and our rulers handed him over to be sentenced to death, and they crucified him; but we had hoped that he was the one who was going to redeem Israel. And what is more, it is the third day since all this took place. In addition, some of our women amazed us. They went to the tomb early this morning but didn’t find his body. They came and told us that they had seen a vision of angels, who said he was alive. Then some of our companions went to the tomb and found it just as the women had said, but they did not see Jesus.”

He said to them, “How foolish you are, and how slow to believe all that the prophets have spoken! Did not the Messiah have to suffer these things and then enter his glory?” And beginning with Moses and all the Prophets, he explained to them what was said in all the Scriptures concerning himself.

As they approached the village to which they were going, Jesus continued on as if he were going farther. But they urged him strongly, “Stay with us, for it is nearly evening; the day is almost over.” So he went in to stay with them.

When he was at the table with them, he took bread, gave thanks, broke it and began to give it to them. Then their eyes were opened and they recognized him, and he disappeared from their sight. They asked each other “Were not our hearts burning within us while he talked with us on the road and opened the Scriptures to us?”

I had a second scan on April the 5^th. The results presented to me on April 8th were of a mixed bag, some things improved. Some findings remained the same. Several other things were presented as worse than before. Fight on! Every day I fight!

Each morning as I wake I thank God for giving me another day and ask Him to watch over and bless all that I do that day. On the morning of April 11^th  as I tried to regain consciousness from a fitful night of sleep and as I was ending my morning prayer I heard, I felt the Holy Spirit say to me, “Dan your cancer is gone. You are healed.”  I had heard this voice before so I knew who it was. Like Samuel, who ministered for the Lord under Eli, I lay back down and said, “Speak, Lord, for your servant is listening.” Again I received the same message, “Dan your cancer is gone. You are healed.”  I believed.

So Dan you are saying God speaks to you? Come on now, who do you think you are fooling?

I have come to know that there are two ways to test if the voice I hear is God’s. The first is explained in the opening scripture of this blog. When I hear the voice of God my heart burns within my chest. The second is explained in Samuel Chapter 3 where young Samuel is awakened by God’s voice calling him. Samuel hears the voice thrice and each time he puts it out of his mind when he goes to Eli to see what he wants. Eli realizes what is happening and he instructs Samuel how to respond because Eli realizes it is God calling. When I hear God’s voice I am unable to push it away until I answer. If I try to move on from the voice and can’t I know the voice is God’s.

The message He gave me that morning was daunting. I had just received, on April 9^th,  the mixed result of a scan that was the direct opposite of what God just told me. God was asking me to believe Him. I needed to put aside what modern medicine was telling me and believe what God said. So, I did. The positive attitude I had towards my cancer became even more so because I knew now that I was healed.

The next scan I had in July proved that God’s word was truth. The expression on my doctor’s face as he tried to explain my situation was priceless. I had insider information and even though I was elated with the scan’s results I was not surprised nor did I have to search for an answer as to why. My nurses were ecstatic, I was humbled.

This healing, these circumstances are not solely because I prayed or because I am deserving or I am righteous or any of that. I believe healings like this happen because people pray. I have had so many people far and wide praying for me my knees weaken when I consider the enormity of that fact. I know of prayer warriors that have prayed novenas for my healing. One good friend visited the Holy city of Jerusalem and while there prayed for me at the Temple’s Western Wall, whereas custom dictates, he slipped my name on a piece of paper between the walls cracks. I find all this to be overwhelming at times. Others remember each time I go for a therapy treatment with a card of encouragement. Text messages and phone calls of support are priceless. I am very grateful for these sacrifices and consider them worth more than silver or gold. Thank you!

My prayer is that all who share in this blog will also feel the burning of your heart by the voice of God no matter what your situation may be.

Every day, I fight!

Dan You Have Cancer - The End of Chemo

February 26^th was the halfway point for my chemo treatments, number three of six. Treatment seems like such a misplaced word. I normally equate treats with good things, like donuts on Sunday morning, an ice pop when I finish mowing the lawn, a tall, cold, glass of iced-tea on a hot summers afternoon or Ann greeting me with a smile and a “Here I am” whenever she comes home. Pushing poison into my veins does not equal a treat. But wait a minute. I said it before and I’m going to repeat it, if it takes multiple chemo treatments to make me better and add days to my life then ding-dong, trick-or-treat.

The difference in this particular go round of treatments is that I will receive my first dose of Teqcentric the immunotherapy drug. My doctor explained and then my nurses read me a list of possible reactions to Teqcentric. Pretty scary stuff. The last thing on every one of these lists is “..and death”. The irony I find here is that the very thing I am counting on to fight my cancer, which will kill me if it goes unchecked, may also kill me. I think I’ll stick to the Rocky Balboa stuff and keep punching no matter how bruised and swollen I become. Splash me with water, run a styptic pencil across my cuts, spin me around and push me back into the fray.

Twelve hours after first receiving Teqcentric, I awoke in my bed wishing that I was dead or soon would be. As previously document in this blog I could never say what my pain level was because I had never experienced a pain I couldn’t control or work my way through. This night, February 27^th 2019, the raging battle between good and evil; the warfare between dug and cancer; the refining fire needed for deeper healing was unleashed in full force within my body. I felt as if I was on fire. All my bones hurt! All my joints were a flame! I could not lay I could not sit. I could not stand. If I would have died in that moment I would have been grateful for the relief. How I got through it I cannot remember. I do remember calling out to Jesus to save me, to take the pain away. When I woke to a new day I felt much better but still ached all over. The aches would last for days. I read over the list of what Teqcentric could do to you. This wasn’t on the list. When I told my doctor and nurses the next day they were amazed. They had only ever heard of one other cancer patient that experienced the same reaction. I said congratulations, now you know of two.

Some positives did come from this reaction. I know what a pain level of 10 is. It’s the pain level that precedes passing out or in extreme cases dying. I had a new found appreciation for the vast amount of cancer within me. I hurt, I burnt all over. Not just in one or two places but from head to toe from hip to hip and down both arms. My doctor was correct when he said this was serious. I also looked at Teqcentric differently. The pain and the burning came from the drug attacking my cancer on all fronts at the same time. There was a war raging inside of me. I quickly developed a greater appreciation for those who are at the tip of the spear developing new treatment and cures for cancer. They are making a difference.

On the weeks that I had chemo and immune I spent about sixteen hours at the infusion center. Some call this ‘down time’ in that those hours are dedicated to being there for that purpose. I could do nothing else. I did read books and tried to do Ken-Ken, Sudoku and crosswords but these activities were always at odds with ‘chemobrain’, a condition where I would find it very difficult to stay focused for more than a minute or two. Music and podcasts were another activity that I tried but they were often interrupted by sleep. Ann spent many hours sitting with me, taking care of me and just loving me with all she had. I truly appreciated those who would come to pick me up on Wednesdays and Thursdays when Ann worked. They would arrive early, sitting with me for an hour or so before the last drip dropped prior to the final flush administered by the nurses. A quick ride home was provided, followed by assistance from the car to my chair. There were even times when friends would stop in during my downtime just to sit and talk. These moments, these sacrifices of time were greatly appreciated. I know that when I get a chance I want to return these same favors to others. Think about doing the same to someone you know. Don’t send flowers, stop in to say hello. Sending a card? Why not deliver the same message by lips. You need not stay long. Just your personal touch will mean so much. Ann and I have implemented this in our lives and the rewards of doing so are tremendous.

The routine of going every three weeks for chemo and immuno became another new normal for us. The end of chemo also brought several things with it that we did not anticipate. My oncologist had a face-to-face heart-to-heart with us prior to my last chemo session and scan. He explained that I, that we, could decide to continue with immunotherapy after our last chemo session or say enough is enough. We even had the right to stop the pending chemo session if we wanted. I took his words as words of caution but not quite surrender. It also was his way of letting us know that we were in control. We were the ones in the fight so we were in control. I chose, we chose, the fight!

The end of chemo also brought another scan. This would be the first scan since the initial one. We knew that good was happening because the tumor on my jaw was all but gone. Definitive results were yet to be measured. The second scan was a mixed bag, some good some not so good. Bone tumors were present and still active. Liver tumors had shrunk from 9 cm to 6 cm. Addition ribs reported in as ‘broken’. Multiple vertebra were now showing up on the scan as being fractured. Dr. Surapaneni asked me if I had fallen as my left clavicle was broken. I probably did this rolling over in bed which was no longer simple or pain free. In any event I believed more than ever I was in God’s hands. There will be more on that subject in my next blog. Right now we stayed the course.

The first time I had Teqcentric without the chemo drugs administered at the same time I had another unexpected reaction. As they were finishing up with my infusion I became really unsettled. I wanted to stand, I wanted sit. I needed to walk I needed to sit. I was going nuts. Then all of a sudden without warning I began to shake. I shook uncontrollably for over an hour. After taking Benadryl and several ‘anti’ this and ‘’anti’ that pills the shaking ceased and I went home. Not only was I shaken by the events of that day, Ann and my medical team were also shaken and “shakin”. As we reflect back on that day and the preceding four months we realized more than ever how much God was watching over us. The prayers of the faithful were working. The sacrifices of so many were felt and appreciated.  Thanks be to God!